Well
sir, yesterday was full of excitement over to Booger Holler and at the
home of my Cousin Peanut Chappell! I was not there, but heard all about
it over to Buster Hollen's Barber Shop when I stopped in to get a trim.
Seems Cousin Peanut's Mama, Mrs. Chappell (we pronounce it MIZZ in the
hills, of course) had determined to face the 8 inches of heavy snow and
get out of the house to get some root
vegetables an' gather the eggs from her hens over in the henhouse. Now
that henhouse is actually a shed sort of thing built onto the side of
the barn and there is a door from the barn into it. This makes it easy
to go into the barn, get some corn and step in to feed and gather eggs.
She put on her husband Vergie's worn out ol' work boots that she often
wore in muddy or icy weather. She thought they had better soles than her
day to day shoes an' they came up over her ankles. She sort of figured
they would keep the snow off her feet better. As she left the house she
grabbed a big ol' dishpan so she could gather the eggs in it an' carry
in some taters an' other root vegetables from the barn to make supper
later that afternoon.
Goin' out weren't no problem. She was
careful an' grabbed onto the clothesline post along the way to steady
herself. The deep snow was covered by a sheet of ice an' her feet
crunched through as she walked.

Once in the barn, she shelled
some corn off the cob and put it into her apron as she held the bottom
hem up to make a pouch for the corn. Steppin' into the henhouse caused a
flurry of feathers an' cluckin' as the chickens gathered round her to
peck at the corn as she tossed it to the ground. Though there was a
small door for the chickens to get outside, they hadn't ventured out
much in the snow an' it had almost closed up their exit.
She
was right disappointed that they was only three hen eggs in the nestin'
boxes. This cold an' snow had put the layin' hens off for the last few
weeks. She gathered the eggs into her apron and went back into the barn.
After she carefully laid them eggs in the dishpan, she went
to the back of the barn an lifted the angled door that led from the barn
into the root cellar. Vergie had been right smart to build the barn
with the henhouse an' the root cellar built on. She stepped down the two
steps an' turned on the flashlight that hung from some balin' wire just
inside the door. It gave her enough light to grab some taters, carrots
an' turnips before she went back out an' into the barn.
That is
when things went from normal to excitin'. She put them root vegetables
in the dish pan, went out the barn door, turned to make sure it was
latched an' turned back to start to the house. She noticed that it had
started snowin' hard again when she turned an' took a step.
It was that turn that did her in, I reckon.
Y'see, Vergie had got himself a new pair of work boots a couple years
back because the old ones was worn out and the sole was rubbed as slick
as a slate rock from years of work an' wear. When Mrs. Chappell stepped
out an' turned around she lost her feet out from under herself an' went
down on her backside.
She let go of one side of that dishpan
an' the eggs an' root vegetables flew out. When she put her hands down
to catch herself the dishpan somehow got under her backside an' she
landed in that dishpan on that icy snow.
That was just enough
to start her skiddin' over the yard an' toward their ol' Ford truck. As
she saw it comin' up fast, she laid back like one of them luge sled
fellers goin' feet first. She went right under the truck an' out the
other side but went to her left an' right into the dry branch that runs
along the yard.
Once she hit that dry branch it was all down
hill an' feet first. She commenced to squallin' an' carryin' on to beat
the band. Vergie is a good bit hard of hearin' an' he thought it was
just the snow an' wind comin' down the mountain an' through the holler.
He sat back in his easy chair, closed his eyes to take a little ol' nap,
smiled an' just listened, glad to be in on such a bad day. He couldn't
wait for the hot beef an' vegetable soup Mrs. Chappell was goin' to make
that evenin' for supper.
Well, things weren't goin' so good
for his wife. She was a goin' down that dry branch like a locomotive,
squallin' into the wind, the snow hittin' her in the face an' beginnin'
to cover her all over. Folks paused all over the mountain, wonderin'
what they heard. Most thought it was just the snow storm that had hit.
Then her foot caught on the branch of a cottonwood tree an' she
commenced to spinnin' round an' round in that dish pan! The spinnin'
made her squeals an' squalls sound like some sort of police (pronounced
po-leese) or sheriff car or fire truck. Ever' one knew they was no fire
trucks close by an' a few, includin' Dr. Percival Poovey (a purveyor of
potent potables - he made 'shine an' sold snake oil on the circuit), was
hopin' the sheriff weren't comin' after them an' made themselves
scarce.
Just imagine that sight! Some critter comin' down the
dry branch, all white an' snow covered, spinnin' like a top an' bustin'
your ear drums with its carryin' on. It scared several youngin's who was
sleddin' behind Booger Holler Hard Shell Baptist Church. They ran
inside the church, found the preacher an' confessed they had stole some
cigarettes an' had a smoke! They wanted right there to get themselves
right in case that was judgement that had screamed down the mountain an'
by them
Mrs.Chappell commenced to doin' some very unladylike
cussin' an' carryin' on as she continued her wild ride, twirlin' like
one of them there dervishes folks read about in the National Geogramic.
Snow had completely covered her an' she almost looked like a purdy white
weddin' cake or some store bought sweetnin' spinnin' on display in a
big ol' picture window.
Finally the branch started to level off
an' she dug the heel of one boot into the snow to slow her wild ride
down an' stop the spinnin'. She hit a log across the branch, flew into
the air, still hangin' onto the dishpan an' landed on the hood of her
middle boy, Walter Nutt Chappell's (Folks call him WalNutt) vintage AMC
Gremlin. Her face smashed up agin the windshield an' the wipers started
to clean the snow an' ice off her face.
WalNutt had been
startled as a huge snowball landed on his Gremlin. Y'all can just
imagine how shocked he was when the wipers revealed the face of his
little ol' Mama, all squishy agin the windshield.
She blinked a
few times, grabbed an' held the wipers and stared fierce like only a
Mama can. She pointed a finger at WalNutt an' spoke quiet like, "Get me
off'n here an' get me home.
He lifted her off the Gremlin,
shook her good an' hard to get all the snow off an sat her down. She
didn't take too well to the shakin' an' slapped him hard.
"I
said GIT me home, boy! An' never tell anyone about this." She said to
him as she looked up into his frightened eyes. She threw her dishpan
into the back seat, got in the AMC Gremlin and sat starin' straight
forward.
He swore he wouldn't breathe a word of it to anyone.
He drove her home, helped her in an' went out to the barn to gather the
eggs an' root vegetables. He was plain ol' shocked that not one of them
hen eggs was broke. He took them into the house, woke Vergie to say
"Howdy" and was on his way.
WalNutt Chappell went directly to
Buster Hollen's Barber Shop an' waited till he was in Buster's barber
chair to say, "Fellers, do I have a story to tell you!"
I
didn't hear it first round. I was over to Knuckle's Dollar Store when I
was told I needed to stop in the Barber Shop to hear about Mrs.
Chappell's Wild Ride!
I heard it there and now have told it to
you just as it happened. I wouldn't lie to you 'bout it! That is just
how it happened. I'd rather eat fried chicken than lie to friends.